The Weight of Grief

running shoesMost of my life I’ve been on the small/skinny side of the scale. Even after having kids my weight stayed around the comfortable space of about 120-125 pounds. (I’m 5’4″ tall, and according to Health Canada my idea weight is 124-138). I honestly don’t know exactly how much I weighed because I haven’t owned a scale in years.

It’s not surprising then that I was completely shocked (and a bit traumatized) when all my clothes ‘shrunk’ this year. They weren’t just a little snug or uncomfortable, but too tight to wear. Somewhere around April/May this year I outgrew pretty much my whole wardrobe. I’d go to my closet to pick out a dress and it wouldn’t zip up. Or, I’d pull a skirt off a hanger only to realize it wouldn’t make it past my hips. I was depressed, angry, and frustrated – how had I gained so much weight in such a short period of time?

The answer is quite simple and I’ve know it all along – I’ve been eating my grief for two years. In October 2014 my Papa (grandfather) got sick. It was a month of hospital stays, and then on November 14th we lost him. Losing him was hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. It was during the days following his death that I started eating wheat and sugar again after being off of them for nearly a year. I’d eat donuts and burgers, and endless rounds of paranthe, trying to fill that giant void.

Maybe I would have been able to cope, to heal, and to give up the comfort food, but then the unthinkable happened. Just three months after losing my grandfather, I got the call that my Bibi had passed away. It seemed impossible and too cruel to be true (and it still does), and once again I turned to food for comfort.

In the last two years I’ve turned to food time and time again to help me cope, but I think I’m finally ready to grieve, and get healthy. I’m ready to let go of my grandparents and the 20 pounds of grief weight I’ve gained. I’ll never truly get over losing them, but I also know it’s time to find myself again.

So as step one of regaining my sense of self and getting back to my ideal weight, I bought a scale. Today it says 154 pounds and my goal weight is 135. I’ve never been on a “diet” before, and I barely exercise, but based on a little research I’ve decided I should be able to hit my goal weight in 90-120 days. (I’m working towards losing 1-2 pounds per week)

I have a three step plan for weight loss:

  1. Use my Fitbit to track my exercise/walking. I will aim to walk 10,000 steps per day at least 5 days a week.
  2. Eat a ‘low-ish’ calorie diet. I’ve never really recorded calories before, or thought about how many calories are in the food we eat so this should be interesting.
  3. Drink 8 glasses of water per day.

There is nothing scientific about this, and I’m not a doctor so I’m pretty much just winging it. I will try to remember to post updates [I’m really bad at that]. Wish me luck!

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. November 14, 2016 / 1:21 pm

    I feel for you girl!! I put on some weight this summer after I broke my collarbone and the struggle has been real and I’m nowhere near where I should be. Slow and steady wins the race— or so I tell myself!

  2. November 14, 2016 / 5:03 pm

    I have gone through that phase in college when i stayed in the dorm and didnt realize it until someone pointed it out to me. you do have a realistic goal..and i find that making smaller changes in lifestyle makes a difference in the long run. it takes lot longer but it will stick with you forever. for me personally, planning my meals ahead of time (to avoid eating out) and finding out consistency in my workout has helped tremendously. also, once you start weighing yourself, i just want to send you a reminder that number can be a motivator or a frustrating factor so just dont depend on that number to tell you about your over all health… every glass of water and every step counts 🙂

    • November 17, 2016 / 8:26 am

      Thanks Dixya, it’s reassuring to hear that my goal is realistic!

  3. November 16, 2016 / 11:40 am

    Grief affects everyone in different ways. And food really is comfort. That’s great that you’re recognizing it and trying to be proactive sending love and positivity your way

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